Super Bowl XLVI

For all the hype, the talk about the rivalry between the Giants and the Patriots, all the fanfare, I was wicked disappointed in the game.  The first 55 minutes were a snoozefest.  I would have rather watched the Puppy Bowl than that game.  And the last 5 minutes were only comparatively exciting, since the rest of the game sucked.

I am completely convinced that there will be some report that shows up in the next week or two, telling us that Tom Brady played the postseason with an injury.  That's the only excuse for his terrible performances in the final 2 games of the year.  Now, I'm clearly not a fan of Brady, but that was not the way he normally plays.

Then there was that abomination of a halftime show.  Dear Madonna, you are 54.  Act like it.  I didn't understand the whole Romanesque motif.  I didn't understand LMFAO, or any of the cameos, for that matter.  I still don't understand why YOU were chosen as the halftime entertainment.  But I am pretty sure there were more gays watching the game last night than ever.

The commercials sucked.  I hardly cracked a smile for any of them.  I totes don't want to buy any of the products advertised.

The best part of the whole game was Kelly Clarkson singing the National Anthem.  Girl looked amazing and sounded perfect.  She was a great choice.  If only she could have been the halftime entertainment as well.

Now, football season is over and I'm left unfulfilled.  I guess we go into a football drought until the draft.

xoxo,
Blanche Sanche

You look dumb

I hate your new haircut, Mark Sanchez.

xoxo,

Blanche Sanche

Jay Cutler

He is my least favorite.

I'm not sad that he broke his thumb.  It was probably all the sucking of his thumb in bed at night that weakened it.  I'm implying he's a big baby, in case you didn't catch that.

Go marry Kristin Cavallari (whom I can't believe took him back after he dumped her) and never come back.  Either of you.  Ever.

xoxo,

Blanche Sanche

Jaguars fans, beware.

This is absolutely vile and disgusting.  Apparently, some Jaguars fan brought this little gem to their tailgate, in an attempt at humor.  Well, it's not fucking funny.  I cannot believe that anyone would mock McNair's tragic death with such a tasteless display.  I'm pissed.

McNair was not perfect; he was cheating on his wife when he was shot that Fourth of July morning, but he was a great quarterback, who played with injuries aplenty and never let them get in his way.  A lesson that Jay Cutler could learn from.  However, this is unacceptable.  It is not funny.  It is not friendly competition.  It is inhumane.

Sure, I make comments about players I don't like and how I wish bad things would happen to them, but I would never do something like this.  If Tom Brady or Kurt Warner were murdered, you wouldn't see me dressing up a skeleton with a bloody jersey.

Sorry your team is mediocre and is never talked about.  This is not the way to create publicity, Jacksonville.  I hope you have an absolutely terrible season.

xoxo,
Blanche Sanche

I really wouldn't mind if...

Someone broke Tom Brady's face tonight.  I mean, seriously Jason Taylor, do it for your division.

xoxo,
Blanche Sanche

Engagement OFF!

It comes as no surprise to me that Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari broke up.  What does shock me is that HE dumped HER!  Is there anything more sad and pathetic in life than to be left by Jay Cutler??? Absolutely not.
I'm sure Cutler will find a way to manifest this break up into a physical injury so that he doesn't have to actually play football this season.  As for Kristin, maybe this will inspire her to design more shitty clothes that no one wants to buy.

xoxo,
Blanche Sanche

Put a ring on it

Rumor has it, Jay Cutler is going to pop the question to Kristin Cavallari in the near future.  Who would want to marry that dude?  He always has such a miserable look on his face, like he's always thinking about his childhood dog that got hit by a bus in front of him.

Kristin, major downgrade from your hookup with Sanchez.  But I'm glad you two have found each other.  It's encouraging to know that even the douchiest douche can find love.  There's hope for me yet.

xoxo,
Blanche Sanche

More on (or Moron) Mark Sanchez

I guess there are no dick pics (sorry, to have misled you) or none that are going to be released of Mark Sanchez, but I did find out more about this 17 year old.  I've found a name and I've found a picture and I couldn't be more underwhelmed.  Seriously.  If he's gonna bang a 17 year old, I was thinking she was going to look like Giselle.  But, no.  She is just an average teenager.  I would insult her, but she's a minor and that's petty, even for me.

From reading deadspin.com and terezowens.com, I've deciphered that she's some sort of socialite or that she knows people who know people.  I mean, she was in a club on New Year's Eve, so she's got to have some kind of connections.

Where are this girl's parents?  Why are they letting her go to clubs at 17?  Why are they letting her stay at a 24 year old man's house overnight?  I know that kids rebel and lie to their parents, but there would be no way in Hell I could ever get away with that.  Furthermore, Marky Mark, why are you busting a nut on some girl who is still in high school, asking her if she's going out on a school night?  Stop being a dipshit.  Maybe if you spent less time worrying about underage vagina, you could focus more on making completions on the field.

My words of advice: Slay bitches on the off season, Mark.  And please, card them before they enter your bedroom.

xoxo,
Blanche Sanche

Really, Mark Sanchez?!?!?!

So now you have dick pics floating around the interwebs too?  Not to mention, they were taken by a 17 year old!!!!  Seven-fucking-teen!  I need some time to process this.

First of all, you are a professional quarterback.  You aren't at USC anymore, so boning college freshmen (or high school seniors) is wayyyyyyyyy beyond disgusting.  You can now get (and have gotten) ass from actresses and models, what could possibly be appealing about a 17 year old?  What am I going to tell our future children?

I had a hard time with you dating Meadow Soprano.  I had a hard time with the rumors about Kristin Callavari.  This might be too much for me to fathom.  I'm going to require a lot of pretty, shiny things to let this one go.

I just pray to every God in every religion that his dick pics aren't Favrean in nature.  I don't want to see Crocs, I don't want to see a tiny crooked wiener.  I don't know that my little heart can take that kind of let down, especially after this kind of news.

Merr,
Blanche Sanche

Seriously...

You know you want to punch him, too.  Admitting it is the first step.

xoxo,
Blanche Sanche

Pro Bowl = FAIL

What a waste of my life.  And, yes, I do say that every year after I vow to never watch the Pro Bowl again.

Here are my top 5 gripes:

1.  If I wanted to watch sissy-la-la football, I'd go back and play intramural flag football with my sorority sisters.
2.  It's ridic that the loser gets paid $20,000 to just show up.  You get a free trip to Hawaii and still get a bonus after that?  That's the sweetest of sweet deals.
3.  A majority of those players are there because the original picks are in the Super Bowl or are injured.  Matt Cassel, really?  I'm sorry Jay Cutler and Alex Smith couldn't make it this year.
4.  Bill Belichick.
5.  Was anyone invited that wasn't on the Falcons?  Seriously.  I swear to God the entire offense at one point were ALL Falcon players.

There's so much more to say, but I don't want to waste another minute of my time reliving that seemingly endless game.  Maybe I'll wise up next year and not watch it.  Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

See ya next year!
Blanche Sanche

T. Ocho looking to move to... the Jets?!?!

I'm sorry, but no thanks, T. Ocho.

No part of me wants you (separately or as a package deal) on my team for several reasons.  Shall I count the ways?
1.  T. O. was in Any Given Sunday.  What do I mean by that?  HE'S OLD! 
2.  No matter how many times you change your name, Chad Johnson... Ochocinco... Johnson, you will still be a fool.  Not even Rex Ryan can tame you.  I'll admit, I watched you on Dancing With The Stars.  Hell, I even voted for you, but I would never give my seal of approval for you to join my team.  Keep your grill and sombrero far away from New Jersey.
3.  You are nothing special.  Blame it on your coaches, blame it on your quarterback, but when it boils down to it, your delusions of grandeur are just that.  Delusions.  In comparison to other wide receivers in the league, you're alright, but nothing super special.
4.  I know we can't guarantee that they will stay, but there's no way I'd give up Braylon Edwards or Santonio Holmes for you ass clowns.
5.  The Jets have enough problems with getting the respect that they deserve.  They'd get none with you on the roster.
6.  Seriously.  How old is T.O.?  I'd take LL Cool J or Bill Bellamy on my team before him.  Shoot, I'd take Cuba Gooding, Jr.

I feel as if those are good enough reasons to pass on their generous offer to join the Jets.  I just hope the rest of the franchise listens to me.

xoxo,
Blanche Sanche

Jay Cutler

I don't know what it is about Jay Cutler that makes me hate him, but I can't help it.  Every time they show his face on TV, I want to throw a shoe at him.

During the NFC Championship game today, Cutler was playing like an amateur.  It was painful to watch him do absolutely NOTHING for his team.

And then came his "knee injury".

Yo, Cutler.  A word of advice:  You are in the effing NFC Championship game.  Suck it the eff up and play some football.  I've seen quarterbacks play through injuries worse than anything that could have happened to you today.  I think you could have lasted a few more series, had you wanted it bad enough.

I'm sure I wasn't the only one that thought his injury was a cop-out.  If he sat on the sidelines, he couldn't be held liable for the ass kicking that was happening on the field, right?  WRONG!  His noticeable absence brought even more attention to how he was letting his team down.

I do have to say, though, I was very proud of the way Caleb Hanie handled himself on the field.  For a third string quarterback, who had only played in a few games before, I think he held his own out there.  He proved that the Bears could count on him as a solid backup.  Or a potential starter next year... just throwin' it out there.

Sorry Bears.  As my step-mom and I said at the end of the game: After that terrible performance, Jay Cutler should never be seen or heard from again.  He is awful.

xoxo,
Blanche Sanche

All hail Queen Brady

I just barfed on myself for that title, even though I mean it purely sarcastically.

Why is it that, after the loss to the Jets, the Patriots organization finally tells us that Mrs. Brady has been playing with a foot injury, I mean "ailment", for the entire season and that he's going to have surgery to fix it?  Shouldn't we have been privy to this information before their season came to a screeching halt?

Let me ask you this: Why do they feel the need to justify their loss to the Jets by telling me that Brady wasn't at his best?  You lost.  Get over it.  You lost because your whole team played terribly, not because Brady had a foot injury.  When I am out dude-hunting on a Friday night and my game is off, I don't manifest an injury then tell everyone I'm boyfriendless because of an ingrown toenail; I chalk it up to my inability to have a normal conversation with someone of the opposite sex.  The same logic applies.

Also, are they trying to make him a hero for fighting through the pain all season?  If it was that bad, he should have taken care of it a long time ago.  I'm not impressed.  At all.  As a matter of fact, it feels like something Spencer Pratt would do for attention.  You know what's a better way to make people think your awesome?  One word: Giselle.

Thank God we are done with him for the season.  I can't stand to look at his face anymore and I'm pretty sure Justin Bieber would really like to regain the complete control of the dudes with lesbian haircuts market.

xoxo,
Blanche Sanche

And Favre is out!

Well, at least for the game against the Giants tonight, which I still take as a huge win for those of us that can't stand the guy.  I mean, I get it: he's got the most consecutive starts of any quarterback.  Great.  But I'm still a girl who enjoys quality over quantity and just because Dick Pics has 297 starts doesn't mean he's the greatest.

 How many of those starts should he probably have sat out because of injuries?  Tons.  Thanks to his giant ego (which makes up for his tiny penis), he kept on playing, much to the detriment of his teams. 

Moral of the story: this is a happy football day for me.  Yes, the Titans and the Jets both lost their games last week.  Yes, Mark Sanchez played like it was his first football game ever.  But I'm almost as happy as I was the day I found out Kurt Warner retired.

Can't we all, and Brett you are included in that "all", just agree that this is the end of his career?  I'm so bored of him.

Blanche Sanche

People that make me rage

There are a lot of people in the NFL that I love. Many seemingly random men, both players and coaches alike, that I adore for various reasons. However, there is also an alarmingly large group of men that I hate/loathe/despise, whichever word you want to use for it. I'm sure my bubbling hatred of them will become increasingly apparent as this blog goes on, so let me just get a few people out of the way.

First and foremost, I have a deep seeded hatred for Kurt Warner. Just typing his name makes me want to punch babies. As I mentioned before, the first football game I cared about was the Superbowl between the Titans and the Rams, so it's obvious where this hatred stems from. Not only did the Rams prevail in said contest, but all you heard about the whole fucking game was how he used to work in a grocery store and how much he loves his old, ugly wife. Gag me. I don't give a shit that you are a loser. Shut the fuck up and play football. Many could argue that Kurt Warner is a great quarterback, but I would tell those people to shut up and get out of my face. I hate his snide Twitter comments, I hate his stupid face, I HATE his old haggard wife, and I hate that people think he's some sort of demigod for being able to go from store clerk to quarterback. Eat a bag of dicks, Kurt. I blame you solely (and, yes, I'm aware my rationale makes no sense to anyone but me) for Steve McNair's death. Stevie was my second favorite male celebrity; Michael Jackson was my first. They died within 8 days of one another and made me realize that God doesn't exist. So, thank you Kurt Warner for killing Steve McNair and ruining my life.

Second, I hate Brett "Dick Pics" Favre. I just don't have respect for the dude. Yeah, he was a great quarterback (I contend he was overrated), but when he started the whole "I'm retiring/I'm not retiring" song and dance, he completely lost me. Man up, broseph, and admit that you can't hang anymore. You choke in every clutch situation and now you are just an embarrassment. And, for the record, I saw your dick pics and they were equally embarrassing. Did you really think some girl was gonna be on your jock when you made the conscious decision to keep your Crocs on while taking pics of your wiener? Rule number 1, if you are gonna go pantless, you should also be Crocs-less. Seriously. Crocs are a deal breaker. Almost as much as your lack of game and your small penis.

Tony Romo and Tom Brady are at about the same level of hatred for me, so I'm going to lump them together. I'm sick of their "pretty boy" faces and it doesn't help that I loathe the Cowboys and Patriots. They suck. I wish someone would rip Tom Brady's arm off so I wouldn't have to hear about him anymore.

While we are on the Patriots, Bill Belichick is the worst. He's a cheater, he's a dick, he seems like a total douche nozzle. There are no redeeming qualities about that man.

Terrell Owens can suck it. Randy Moss can suck it. Darren Sproles can suck it. Albert Hayesworth can suck it.

It's getting late and I can't go to bed with all this rage. I'm going to lay down and watch old episodes of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia".
Blanche Sanche