Back to the Grind

Here it is. The start of the 2012 NFL regular season.  Doesn't it feel like it's been a million years since the last season?  Maybe it's just me.

Anyway, with the new season comes roster changes, coaching and staff changes, hypothesizing about team performance, and, most importantly, fantasy football!

This is my third year playing fantasy football and the first two did not go so well.  That means that I'm out for blood this time around.  I'd like to blame specific players for my inadequacies, but it's all my fault.  The first year, I drafted a team completely based on good looking players.  As you would imagine, that strategy was not my idea.  And last year, I took players that I knew and picked a lot from the Titans and the Jets 'cause I like them the most.

This year was different.  I decided to follow my head, not my heart.  I vowed to make shrewd choices, despite how I internally felt about the players.  And where did that lead me?  It lead me to choosing Tom Brady as my 1st overall pick.

Tom effing Brady.

I hate that dude.  And I still feel gross inside that I made him my first choice.  But I'm here to win games, friends, and TB is going to do it for me. Barf.

Here's the rest of my roster, as it sits right now.

QB- Tom Brady (Pats)
RB- Shonne Green (Jets)
RB- Trent Richardson (Browns)
WR- Andre Johnson (Texans)
WR- Marques Colston (Saints)
TE- Vernon Davis (49ers)
Flex- Beanie Wells (Cards)
Kicker- Stephen Gostkowski (Pats)
Defense- Jets
Bench- Mark Sanchez (Jets)
Bench- James Stark (Packers)
Bench- Pierre Thomas (Saints)
Bench- Austin Collie (Colts)
Bench- Rob Bironas (Titans)

As you can see, my heart still had a say once it got to my bench.  There will never be a time I don't choose Mark Sanchez to be on my roster because I still believe he's going to be a great quarterback.  Also, Austin Collie's pretty face generally makes my roster, despite him being a magnet for concussions.

I feel pretty great about my team and I think that I'm gonna dominate my league.  Watch out, bitches. Blanche Sanche is all over your asses.

xoxo,
Blanche Sanche

I really wouldn't mind if...

Someone broke Tom Brady's face tonight.  I mean, seriously Jason Taylor, do it for your division.

xoxo,
Blanche Sanche

All hail Queen Brady

I just barfed on myself for that title, even though I mean it purely sarcastically.

Why is it that, after the loss to the Jets, the Patriots organization finally tells us that Mrs. Brady has been playing with a foot injury, I mean "ailment", for the entire season and that he's going to have surgery to fix it?  Shouldn't we have been privy to this information before their season came to a screeching halt?

Let me ask you this: Why do they feel the need to justify their loss to the Jets by telling me that Brady wasn't at his best?  You lost.  Get over it.  You lost because your whole team played terribly, not because Brady had a foot injury.  When I am out dude-hunting on a Friday night and my game is off, I don't manifest an injury then tell everyone I'm boyfriendless because of an ingrown toenail; I chalk it up to my inability to have a normal conversation with someone of the opposite sex.  The same logic applies.

Also, are they trying to make him a hero for fighting through the pain all season?  If it was that bad, he should have taken care of it a long time ago.  I'm not impressed.  At all.  As a matter of fact, it feels like something Spencer Pratt would do for attention.  You know what's a better way to make people think your awesome?  One word: Giselle.

Thank God we are done with him for the season.  I can't stand to look at his face anymore and I'm pretty sure Justin Bieber would really like to regain the complete control of the dudes with lesbian haircuts market.

xoxo,
Blanche Sanche

People that make me rage

There are a lot of people in the NFL that I love. Many seemingly random men, both players and coaches alike, that I adore for various reasons. However, there is also an alarmingly large group of men that I hate/loathe/despise, whichever word you want to use for it. I'm sure my bubbling hatred of them will become increasingly apparent as this blog goes on, so let me just get a few people out of the way.

First and foremost, I have a deep seeded hatred for Kurt Warner. Just typing his name makes me want to punch babies. As I mentioned before, the first football game I cared about was the Superbowl between the Titans and the Rams, so it's obvious where this hatred stems from. Not only did the Rams prevail in said contest, but all you heard about the whole fucking game was how he used to work in a grocery store and how much he loves his old, ugly wife. Gag me. I don't give a shit that you are a loser. Shut the fuck up and play football. Many could argue that Kurt Warner is a great quarterback, but I would tell those people to shut up and get out of my face. I hate his snide Twitter comments, I hate his stupid face, I HATE his old haggard wife, and I hate that people think he's some sort of demigod for being able to go from store clerk to quarterback. Eat a bag of dicks, Kurt. I blame you solely (and, yes, I'm aware my rationale makes no sense to anyone but me) for Steve McNair's death. Stevie was my second favorite male celebrity; Michael Jackson was my first. They died within 8 days of one another and made me realize that God doesn't exist. So, thank you Kurt Warner for killing Steve McNair and ruining my life.

Second, I hate Brett "Dick Pics" Favre. I just don't have respect for the dude. Yeah, he was a great quarterback (I contend he was overrated), but when he started the whole "I'm retiring/I'm not retiring" song and dance, he completely lost me. Man up, broseph, and admit that you can't hang anymore. You choke in every clutch situation and now you are just an embarrassment. And, for the record, I saw your dick pics and they were equally embarrassing. Did you really think some girl was gonna be on your jock when you made the conscious decision to keep your Crocs on while taking pics of your wiener? Rule number 1, if you are gonna go pantless, you should also be Crocs-less. Seriously. Crocs are a deal breaker. Almost as much as your lack of game and your small penis.

Tony Romo and Tom Brady are at about the same level of hatred for me, so I'm going to lump them together. I'm sick of their "pretty boy" faces and it doesn't help that I loathe the Cowboys and Patriots. They suck. I wish someone would rip Tom Brady's arm off so I wouldn't have to hear about him anymore.

While we are on the Patriots, Bill Belichick is the worst. He's a cheater, he's a dick, he seems like a total douche nozzle. There are no redeeming qualities about that man.

Terrell Owens can suck it. Randy Moss can suck it. Darren Sproles can suck it. Albert Hayesworth can suck it.

It's getting late and I can't go to bed with all this rage. I'm going to lay down and watch old episodes of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia".
Blanche Sanche