Looks like Payton is in some trouble

I don't know much about Sean Payton, the HC of the New Orleans Saints, but in the past couple of days, I've found out a few things: he loves booze and he just moved to Dallas.  Uh... why is the head coach of the Saints moving to Cowboys territory... his old stomping grounds???

Is it because he's a boozer whose wife is tired of the trouble he's getting into in New Orleans?  Probably.  Does he have some not-so-secret deal to move to the Cowboys front office to wait out his non-compete clause before zeroing in on the HC job in Dallas?  Even more likely.

The Saints can spin his move any way they want, saying that he'll be back in the NO come football season, but I'm not buying it.  I think Payton is going to Dallas for the Cowboys, not so much to save his marriage.  

I hope, for the sake of his family, this is a good move, but that hope is motivated by purely selfish reasoning.  Head coaching spot vacated... a very eligible and capable head coach who was just ousted from being the longest tenured coach in the NFL... I think we all know where I'm going with this.

Plus, I look really good in black and gold.

xoxo,
Blanche Sanche

Dear Titans,

I'm mad.  Scratch that, I'm more than mad -- I'm pissed.

I hate every single thing you are doing with your personnel choices.  I was okay with you making Munchak the head coach, but now, he's firing the entire coaching staff and putting his buddies in their places.

I get that they are all old Oilers and that's well and good, but this overhaul isn't going to be good for the team.  It's like a intramural football team: put all your friends together and hope you can make it to the championship.  But this isn't some local business sponsored fun times; this is the NFL and you can't build a coaching staff on your friends.  Plus, if I'm not mistaken, part of the (rumored) reason Fisher left was because he wanted to hire his son.  WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE, TITANS????  Let's have a serious talk about this.

I see bad things happening for the next 2 to 4 years while they franchise tries to rebuild itself.  And, to think, we were so close to having it all.  Now, we are pushed back years.

I will continue to support you, Titans, but begrudgingly so.  Should Fisher go to another team, I will follow him.  My allegiance and devotion to him is as strong as my devotion to the Titans, so I won't have a problem picking up another team to root for.  However, my patience is running thin with your organization and if you make too many more dick moves, I don't know how long I'll wear my Titans blue.

xoxo,
Blanche Sanche

More on (or Moron) Mark Sanchez

I guess there are no dick pics (sorry, to have misled you) or none that are going to be released of Mark Sanchez, but I did find out more about this 17 year old.  I've found a name and I've found a picture and I couldn't be more underwhelmed.  Seriously.  If he's gonna bang a 17 year old, I was thinking she was going to look like Giselle.  But, no.  She is just an average teenager.  I would insult her, but she's a minor and that's petty, even for me.

From reading deadspin.com and terezowens.com, I've deciphered that she's some sort of socialite or that she knows people who know people.  I mean, she was in a club on New Year's Eve, so she's got to have some kind of connections.

Where are this girl's parents?  Why are they letting her go to clubs at 17?  Why are they letting her stay at a 24 year old man's house overnight?  I know that kids rebel and lie to their parents, but there would be no way in Hell I could ever get away with that.  Furthermore, Marky Mark, why are you busting a nut on some girl who is still in high school, asking her if she's going out on a school night?  Stop being a dipshit.  Maybe if you spent less time worrying about underage vagina, you could focus more on making completions on the field.

My words of advice: Slay bitches on the off season, Mark.  And please, card them before they enter your bedroom.

xoxo,
Blanche Sanche

The Mediocre Bowl

My review of the Super Bowl in one word: "Eh."

The game wasn't all that exciting.  The commercials were pretty uninspired.  And don't even get me started on the halftime show and the desecration of all that is holy in the world.  Why, Slash?  Why would you let that angry man-woman butcher the song that makes my world a happy place???  And why was she singing as if she was a few 10 cent drafts deep at Cue and Cushion karaoke on Monday nights?  It was vile.  It was crude.  It was enough to make me wish for the Sheryl Crow remake (which, at the time of its release, I thought was the worst thing that could ever happen.)

Here is a list of what I consider to be highlights of the big game:
1.  There was a dude named Zombo.  Every time they said his name, I felt like I should have been watching a midnight public access show that played campy horror films.
2.  The Doritos commercial where the guy brought things back to life by sprinkling Doritos on them.  So funny.
3.  The fact that Ashton Kutcher was sitting behind GW and Laura Bush, who were sitting next to John Madden.  It was a trifecta of epic randomness.
4.  Mike Tomlin.  Any excuse to watch his pretty face is a highlight of my life.

Here is a list of what I hated about the game:
1.  A red carpet?  Are you fucking kidding me?  There is nothing sacred left.  The fact that celebrity has overthrown the game itself must be a sign of the apocolypse.
2.  In that same vein, when the players were exiting the field for halftime, the announcer literally said that they were "going to their dressing rooms."  Pretty sure they were going to the locker room, not to primp themselves for their prime time appearance at an awards show.
3.  Fergie.  Fuck you, Fergie.  Fuck you so hard.  I can't believe I was forced to watch her angrily, and pitchlessly, watch her perform for 10 minutes.  I've seen her live and I know she sucks, but this was an all-time low.
4.  That the Steelers lost.  Only because Big Ben is going to go on a raping spree of epic proportions and I don't know that the 20-something females of this country are adequately prepared for it.

Most of all, I really enjoyed watching the Packers win because I kept imagining Brett Favre, sitting on his couch in his Crocs, crying to himself.  Now Aaron Rogers has just as many Super Bowl rings and a lot longer to amass more.  Via con diablos, Brett!

xoxo,
Blanche Sanche

Really, Mark Sanchez?!?!?!

So now you have dick pics floating around the interwebs too?  Not to mention, they were taken by a 17 year old!!!!  Seven-fucking-teen!  I need some time to process this.

First of all, you are a professional quarterback.  You aren't at USC anymore, so boning college freshmen (or high school seniors) is wayyyyyyyyy beyond disgusting.  You can now get (and have gotten) ass from actresses and models, what could possibly be appealing about a 17 year old?  What am I going to tell our future children?

I had a hard time with you dating Meadow Soprano.  I had a hard time with the rumors about Kristin Callavari.  This might be too much for me to fathom.  I'm going to require a lot of pretty, shiny things to let this one go.

I just pray to every God in every religion that his dick pics aren't Favrean in nature.  I don't want to see Crocs, I don't want to see a tiny crooked wiener.  I don't know that my little heart can take that kind of let down, especially after this kind of news.

Merr,
Blanche Sanche

Plaxico Burress: Shooting yourself is as bad as killing dogs

*

With all the talk of Plaxico Burress getting out of jail this Spring, the comparisons to Michael Vick are inevitable.  But Michael Vick killed dogs.  Forced them to fight one another and then drowned them with his bare hands.  To me, Plax's biggest offense was wearing sweatpants to a club.

Yet, both men got almost the same amount of prison time.  How is that possible?

I get that Plaxico had a loaded gun in a club, in the band of his sweatpants, and it discharged.  But, seriously... he shot himself in the foot.  How embarrassing!  Maybe his 2 year prison sentence was handed down by the Fashion Police and that's why it was so lengthy.

Here is my breakdown of prison time:

15 months for wearing sweats to a club.  (Don't most clubs have a dress code?  I'm pretty sure if I saw some d-bag in sweats, that would be an immediate clue that no one should ever sleep with that guy.  Ever.  Even if he has millions of dollars.  Sweats are only appropriate to and from games and, even then, dudes in sweatpants creep me out.)
9 months for not understanding that an elastic waistband is an improper holster for a weapon of any sort.  I wouldn't even trust my nunchucks to stay secured in a waistband, let alone a loaded gun.  If you really feel it's necessary to arm yourself while poppin' bottles of Cristal at a club, please secure your firearm in a belt of some sort or, at least, put it in your sock.

I hope Plax gets out of prison and goes back into the NFL.  I don't see any reason why he shouldn't.  I also hope that one day Michael Vick gets pay back for what he did to those animals.  The rape he likely endured in prison isn't punishment enough.

xoxo,
Blanche Sanche

*In my mind, those are the infamous sweatpants.

It's finally time to talk about it

I have posted a few entries since it happened, but I still feel incapable of appropriately summing up my feelings about the Jeff Fisher debacle in Tennessee via blog post.  It's finally time for me to discuss it.  Here goes nothing....

I will try to keep as much of my sentimentality toward Fisher to a minimum, as I've expressed my feelings for him before.  But I do have to say that this is the second saddest event to happen in my football-loving career.  The first obviously being the death of Steve McNair.  (The third, having to see Eddie George in a Cowboys uniform.)

I understand the need for change.  I understand that Fisher has only taken the franchise to the Super Bowl once.  I understand that Bud Adams is a crazy old man that Anna Nicole Smith would be marrying if she was still alive (R.I.P.)

HOWEVER, what I don't understand is why it all happened.  I think Fisher's inability to make more appearances in the Super Bowl was more about the lack of talent on the field and less about his coaching abilities.  I genuinely thought that with a new QB this year, the Titans would have a real shot at making it to the big game.

I should have seen the signs earlier.  Several of the members of the coaching staff were lured away, or fired, in the weeks leading up to Fisher's removal.  I guess an overhaul of staffing choices is how Adams thinks he's going to get a better team and I vehemently disagree.

Should Adams have let Fisher stay and keep his great coaching staff mostly intact, work on finding a new franchise QB and work on the connection between the QB and the receivers, it could have been magic.  Instead, they have to start from scratch, building trust between a new coaching staff and quarterback at the same time.

Now rumors are spreading that Fisher is meeting with the Eagles for a coordinator position.  I disapprove of that move for several reasons.  Fisher is too good to be a coordinator; he needs to be the main man, the one calling the shots.  Secondly,  I don't want him anywhere near Michael Vick.  Sure, he's all reformed now or whatever, but I don't think dog killers deserve to be coached by my coach.  Third, Jeff needs a break.  This last year really took a toll on him and I think he deserves a year off before another team has the privilege of calling him their head coach.

As big of a hole as a year without Jeff Fisher will leave in my heart, I'd rather give him the time to recoup from the clusterfuck that was the 2010 season so that the next team gets him at his best.  Maybe I will use my free flight that I was going to use to see the Titans in Tennessee to go find Fisher in Montana instead.

Jeff is my BFF,
Blanche Sanche